Creative Miracles and Deep Conviction

Joshua 18:3 – Joshua asked the Israelites, “How long are you going to waste time conquering the land which the Lord God of your ancestors has given you?”

How long have I been stressing out about provision? How many times has God come through? Every. Single. Time.

When am I going to learn that if a situation is impossible, He IS going to provide and I don’t have to have a plan B?

Why is it so hard for me to trust Him?

When am I going to stop fighting for what I already have?

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Just yesterday, I was sketching out plans for buying a car. How much it would cost, how long it would take to get one, how much it would benefit me just to drive to school and back instead of bussing…

Meanwhile, ever since I’ve been carless, I’ve not tried to take advantage of the bus system because it was too much of a hassle. I accepted it as an inevitability I’d have to endure for getting tos chool, but I was very passive about it. My intern manager looked at it as laziness and lack of initiative when I didn’t aggressively get my bus stuff taken care of, but I just didn’t feel driven to go and do it. Then, come to find out yesterday, the cost of taking the bus to school in Federal Way and back every single day (or even every week!) would be far more expensive than it would be to drive, and they were about to jack up the prices for bus fare.

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Sometimes Holy Spirit speaks to me by motivation (or lack thereof). When I was jobless, I wasn’t scrambling around applying for jobs like I had before I received my new confidence in God, but for some reason I didn’t feel like I needed to this time. I wrestled with my instinct to survive versus my lack of drive to put things into motion.

Justl ike when I had the opportunity to appeal my expulsion from SPSCC in December, yet didn’t feel the drive to; I trusted that my lack of motivation to appeal was not laziness ro surrender, but that it was God faithfully leading me away from a fruitless land of emotional slavery and misery.

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I should have known–and I should know by now–that I don’t have to fight for His gifts and His favor. I should know that if I don’t feel led or motivated to do something on my own, it’s because He’s going to take care of it for me, because He’s my Dad, and He is faithful. I don’t have to ask Him to; He has plans to do good things for me, and His plans to provide for me were in motion long before I even realized my need.

I didn’t need to appeal my dismissal because God didn’t want me planted there right now. I took that to mean He just wanted to me to go back to work full time…but later found out He wanted me to get into massage school–a childhood dream!–something so big and beyond me that i never would have thought of it if not for His divine appointments.

I didn’t feel the drive to go through the trouble of getting my bus stuff figured out, and what I thought was lack of initiative was really Holy Spirit speaking to me, saying, “Chill. I got this.”

And He did.

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On my way back from the bus station, driving a temporarily borrowed car back to my house, I texted Levi defeatedly, saying that I needed a car and there was no way I was going to be able to get to school without it. His sickeningly optimistic faith declaration was: “Don’t worry, it’s coming!” I was both angry at him for having more faith than I did, and ashamed at myself for not having enough faith to trust God for my need.

So I went home and, after a series of heavy sighs, resolved to give up my burden. Either something would come or it wouldn’t; I trusted Him at the very least to take care of me in the long term, though I was still frustrated at not knowing what was going to happen after that day.

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Not even two hours after I lamented to Levi about my needing a miraculous provision car, my grandma called and said she’s giving me a car as an early wedding present, to come pick it up in Kelso tomorrow.

You think I’d trust Him by now. No one has earned it more than He has , so why am I so hesitatnt to trust what He says He’ll do based on Who He Is?

He is so good to me and so faithful. And so patient! Who else would stand by me in my stubborn refusal to step out in faith and believe for the creative and the miraculous? This is a huge wake-up call for me. After last year’s financial provision for a college He didn’t even want me to complete the program at (which still mystifies me to an extent), and several small miracles and proven faithfulness along the way, the least I can do now is start inching out in faith. I recommit my life to Him today.

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